DAMN YOU ANXIETY!!

I’m going to apply for a job. Last night I lay awake in bed for hours going over every aspect of the job description that makes me nervous and with every anxious thought, I thought DAMN YOU ANXIETY!!  And of course with every thought, I imagined how I can’t handle it, how I’ll crumble, how I’ll spend my days as an anxious panicked mess.

Seriously, anxiety, panic attacks, self doubt and fear are ruining my life.  Have ruined my life for YEARS.  They have dictated every single career decision I’ve made.  So now, do I pick the “safe” boring job or do I try to go for a more fulfilling job that comes with more stress and anxiety?  My self-esteem and sense of worth in the work place, as well as my mind that likes to stay busy with new challenges, says go for the new job!  Be BOLD!!  My terrified slave to anxiety self says, better keep yourself safe, stay with the safe job!  Don’t you DARE venture out of your comfort zone! You’ll pay for it!  You know you will!

So far in my life, I’ve picked the “safe” job.  I’m sick of safe.  I’m sick of caving to my anxiety.  It seems my options are frustrated and irritated and unfulfilled or stressed and anxious and more fulfilled.  Clearly…I’m asking for trouble.

Meanwhile I just want to be normal.  I just want the same opportunities that everyone else gets.  I’m tired of being afraid.  I’m tired of letting my anxiety rule my life.  I still don’t have an answer, I still don’t have a cure, but I do have…pissed off.  That’s about my only motivator, my only way to overcome this is to be pissed off, to decide that I don’t want to let it rule my life.  I’m sure at night I’ll still feel this way.  I’ll still have those terrified thoughts and be unable to sleep.  But during the day, I just get so angry.  I’m tired of losing out.  I’m tired of settling.  I’m tired of having jobs that don’t fulfill me just so my anxiety can be happy.

This is the life of the mentally “different.”  I suppose that’s the nice way of putting it.  We have to struggle to do the same things you take for granted every day.  Every activity is hard, every decision is thought and over thought through the lens of anxiety.  And I don’t really want special treatment, I don’t want to be treated like someone who is broken or damaged.  But…I do want to be able to live a fulfilling life.  I do want to have opportunities and not be afraid that if I’m feeling off one day that I’ll be fired or thought a terrible employee.

I don’t know the answer. I just know that I want human rights for everyone, for every differently-abled person or  life style choice, for everyone who operates differently than you do. I want understanding, empathy.  I want to know that I will be treated fairly.  I want people to realize that just because you can’t see the pain I’m dealing with, doesn’t mean it’s not there.  And goddamn it, I want that job!! SCREW YOU ANXIETY!!