Angst Anarchy

Anxiety, Endo and Decisions = I Don’t Know

I’m at a loss for what to write about next.  I have several drafts sitting here that I’m not sure I should post and I’m still kind of decompressing after surgery last week.  I’m not sure what people want to hear.  Generally the positive helpful posts are much better received than the down and out depressed or real posts.  As sad as this seems to me, this appears to be true.  But I’m not always happy.  I’m not always optimistic.  In fact, often I’m not optimistic at all.

I’m not sure if I should post about how surgery went? Or post something controversial (maybe) that I have in drafts.  Or post about something else entirely.  And FYI, I’m not checking up on Angst at all.  Hopefully things are going well for it out there in the big bad world, although I seriously doubt it (honestly without my help, I fear it will languish!  I was the pusher and now I’ve stopped….so who knows?!).  Either way, I’m kind of uninterested.  I’m boring…at the moment.  I’m still healing and coming back to life. I’m still learning to be me again and remembering the things that me loves to do.  I haven’t written anything.  I haven’t even convinced myself to open the file on my computer and take a look at my WIP.  I know I should because that would actually get me started, but since I can’t seem to inspire myself to even do that much I’m not getting too far.

I started to write a poem today but I lost steam because it’s a lot of work to get a poem ready to publish.  More so than a regular post.  I’m just tired.

And if you were wondering, surgery went fine and I do have Endometriosis.  At least it’s been confirmed in my mind that it’s what I’ve been dealing with for the past 2 years.  I might even want to post something about anxiety and Endo.  Now that I’m dealing with both, life is a bit different.  Anxiety still rules the roost though and my life.  The other thing plaguing my mind is whether someone who suffers from a mental illness that debilitates their daily activities should have children at all.  Can that person be a good caregiver to another human?  Is it selfish to decide that you need to focus on you and not on someone else?  And if you make the kind of drastic huge decision will you regret it later in life?  All big life stuff and none with good answers.  I’d be curious to hear what others with mental health issues have to say about taking on additional diagnoses that stress their first or about the reproduction question.

Help?  This is taking honesty to a whole new level…even for me.  Some things I’m not sure I should share….but I’m an over-sharer by nature, so…there ya go.

Comments

10 responses to “Anxiety, Endo and Decisions = I Don’t Know”

  1. donofalltrades Avatar
    donofalltrades

    Not going to butt in with my opinions since I don’t know your situation well enough, but I can wish you well with whatever you decide to do, so good luck!

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    1. Victoria Sawyer Avatar
      Victoria Sawyer

      Thanks! Opinions are always good though! What should I blog about?! haha.

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      1. donofalltrades Avatar
        donofalltrades

        Well then, I agree with Gus that you should write about whatever the hell you want to write about. I write mostly silly crap, but when I feel like writing something serious, I do. I was conflicted about mixing the two on the same blog when I first started, but then realized that it’s my stupid blog and I’ll do whatever I want. You should too! Post the stuff that you think is garbage since you took time to write it! I’m sure it’s not near as bad as you think it is.

        As to having kids, I’ve always known that I wanted them, so it was a no brainer for me. Do they suck at times? Yes. Have I thought about hanging myself from a ceiling fan or driving my minivan into a river before because of them? Yes. Would I trade a single of them for a billion dollars? No. Wouldn’t even consider it. I don’t have any lovey dovey reason as to why they’re so great, they just are to me. I have somebody to play catch with when I want to. I have somebody to get my beer from the garage fridge so I don’t have to. It’s cool to watch them sleep and to accomplish stupid milestones like shitting in the toilet and being so proud of themselves. But, I have a wife who does a lot of the heavy lifting so it’s easier to enjoy the good times. If a person has to take the brunt of all the hard things like always having to change diapers or bath the kids or feed them or take them wherever, then I could see how that person may resent their kids.

        I don’t know. Most of my friends don’t have kids and have no plans to have any and they seem pretty happy. They also have extra money and can go places whenever they want, so there is that. I don’t know how happy they’ll be later in life when they have nobody to visit them or no grandkids to look forward to, but that’s not my worry. Good luck! Do you still want me to share my opinions anymore!? Lol.

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        1. Victoria Sawyer Avatar
          Victoria Sawyer

          Yes I love it! Keep the opinions coming! I think most people who have kids wouldn’t change a thing and think it’s worth it. I keep oscillating between wanting them and not wanting them. I think in the end I’ll at least try to have children and hope for the best. But my hubs will have to step up to the plate! haha. Thanks for responding!

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  2. Gus Sanchez Avatar
    Gus Sanchez

    I do know something about endometriosis, since my wife’s suffered from it for years. It’s laid waste to her reproductive system; the fact that she was even able to conceive our daughter was a medical miracle, although fertility drugs had a lot to do with it. Sorry about the diagnosis, I know how painful endo can be.

    I’ve said this before: it’s your blog, so you write about whatever the hell you want to write about. You know people will be reading it, no matter what.

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    1. Victoria Sawyer Avatar
      Victoria Sawyer

      Thanks GUS!! It’s crazy how many people have Endo. It’s so not cool! It’s good that you were able to have a child. And Thank you for your positive thoughts about what I should write about. Basically, whatever I damn well please! haha. I like that idea! 🙂

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      1. Gus Sanchez Avatar
        Gus Sanchez

        Well, how man women have endo, actually; if a dude gets endo, we got some explaining to do. It would be like a woman getting prostate cancer, know what I’m saying?

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  3. darsword Avatar
    darsword

    I know nothing about endo except that it is SO painful. As for trying for kids anyway? I wanted all four of my kids, was lucky to have them all naturally, easily. Even so, I can’t tell you how often I asked myself if that was a mistake. But love for them got me and them through it all. They are all adults now and I honestly think I did the best job I could. I think the idea that I wanted them made it an easier decision to live with. I do have depression/anxiety but I didn’t acknowledge it until they were grown. Maybe it was a mistake to hide it from myself for so long as maybe it would have helped them to learn to deal with their own, it seems hereditary in my case (my mother was not happy to have kids and had severe bipolar depression).

    As for sharing the darker sides of ourselves… people may not say much when you share, mostly because they don’t know what to say. But hiding inside prevents connections with others who may have been there with the wisdom they learned in the process. Or just support from fellow sufferers. Those clicks of ‘like’ for such blogs are pats on the back, or hugs. I think the crazy obsession with ‘Reality’ shows is we are all desperate for authenticity. Unfortunately we rarely find the real on ‘reality’. Did any of that make sense?

    I am still a newbie in blogging world but I got the most ‘likes’ when I complained about not knowing what to write. We all relate to that. But I have found blogs that talked about depressing issues in life, and I found a kindred spirit or two from folks sharing their lives honestly. I know, easy to say. I am still learning to do this.

    Good luck with the book and your health issues… and the blog!

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    1. Victoria Sawyer Avatar
      Victoria Sawyer

      Why thank you! What a great response! Anxiety is so tough and I definitely agree that it can be hereditary. My mom has it and my grandfather had it and I’m pretty sure that his mother may have had it too! It stretches back pretty far in my family tree. And I like your opinion about “reality.” You are so right. I think a lot of people are looking for authenticity, although some people I think still just want to escape through fiction! But for those of us who do appreciate some realness…it’s very nice to find it and to find others like us. Thanks for stopping by!

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  4. What Kind of Strange Godforsaken Place is This? | Angst Avatar
    What Kind of Strange Godforsaken Place is This? | Angst

    […] blogs offer personal stories on whatever the blogger is passionate about.  Say fighting a disease, or reading books or techy stuff.  Others offer resources or knowledge on a particular subject […]

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