Writing Makes You Look Fat In Those Jeans

Before we jump into the list, I gotta say that I’m not sure I’m the first one to say that writing makes you look fat in those jeans.  I can’t be sure.  It’s like my reader mind and writer mind got together and screwed each other when I wasn’t paying attention and birthed this idea and my writer mind was like, it’s MY Idea and my reader mind was like, NO you stole that!  So, I don’t know.  If it belongs to you, I apologize.  My writer and reader should never screw, they are like second cousins and it just feels wrong, but sometimes now and then, they find each other attractive and get together when I’m not looking.  I hate them.  Those Mo’Fo’s!  (Technically Mo’Fo’ should be Mo’Fu’ but that just doesn’t sound cool! Am I right?)

Onward!!

Writing makes you look fat in those jeans. Countless hours sitting on your ass will do that to you.  Sorry.  Nevermind the countless hours you’ll sit on your ass to market your book once it’s edited, formatted and ready to go.  Nevermind the ice cream, sweets and candy you’ll devour as you go through the emotional highs and lows of book sales.  Book ranked at 500,000 on Amazon, crack out the cookie dough ice cream, cry a river and don’t look back. Book ranked at 7,000 break out the wine and chocolate and celebrate!

Writing makes your house look like a barnyard. The dishes will be piled high in the sink, dirty laundry will be spread across the floor.  I mean, you can’t put it in your laundry basket because it’s still filled with CLEAN clothes that you refuse to have time to put away.  The bathroom counter is littered with empty floss containers (at least you’re still flossing, thank god for small favors) and empty toilet paper rolls are strewn across the floor.  The floors everywhere else are covered in crumbs and tracked in dirt and the kitchen counters are a disaster zone or haz-mat, super fund site.  You’ll need an expensive remediation crew, except you won’t actually do this, you’ll just continue slapping together quick meals on top of paper towels.  This is safe right?

As a writer, kiss your quiet sleep time goodbye!  Sleep is a thing of the past.  You’ll do it, but your brain will forever be concocting stories when you should be “resting.”  Characters will be screaming to be heard, an internal movie will be playing constantly that you can’t shut off. It’s like your eyes are being held open with some kind of scary torture device while movies are screened on rerun, constantly.  The hardest part isn’t the torture of being unable to turn off your brain, the worst part will be that all your writing at night is absolutely genius and when you try to replicate it once awake, you will fail.  FAIL!!!

A balanced diet?  Hell no!  There’s no time for that!  Say goodbye to home cooked meals unless your significant other is your house slave and cooks for you all the time.  Otherwise, you’ll be eating whatever you can slap together (Instant Yakisoba?  Shudder! Yet…yum. You do know those plastic containers are giving you cancer?) in the moments before you go back up to your computer to slave away over your next novel or blog tour or marketing strategy.  OR just plain fooling around on social media for no real purpose except that you can’t stop because what if someone comments on something you posted! You want to be RIGHT there to see it!

Writing makes your body deteriorate.  Hunched shoulders, staring burning eyes, carpal tunnel syndrome, cramped fingers, aching neck, bad eye sight.  Say goodbye to your hot bod…it’s all downhill from here on out.  The other day I honestly thought to myself…well, if I didn’t have a body anymore or one that worked very well, at least I’d have my mind and hopefully my hands because then I could still write!  All I need is this damn brain to create crazy shit.  That’s it!  Talk about a waste of a functioning body, right?

Loss of relationships.  Writing hates you to have relationships.  The only relationship allowed is with writing itself.  I often compare things to bad relationships, like writing or alcohol.  Writing demands that while your family members are enjoying a sunny day outside, you sit inside in front of your computer typing.  Your complexion will suffer as well as atrophying muscles. The same goes for obsessive readers.  Sorry real family, you’re second fiddle to fictional worlds I create in my head and those that some stranger created. Leave me the F alone!

Alcoholism is awesome for writers!  No?  I tried Ernest’s Write Drunk; Edit Sober and that shit was amazing!  There’s no problem here, right?

Book Boyfriends:  It’s like you fall in love with your own characters.  And they’re inside your own head! This is freaky.  I guess you fall in love with YOURSELF which is basically narcissism.  I love me.

Crushing self-doubt and criticism.  This is never ending.  Your self-esteem will take a beating and then be thrust up into the heavens of adulation all in mere moments.  Prepare for massive mood swings. High dramatics.  Hand motions, fast talking or mouth diarrhea, tears, excitement, hysteria, depression, tension, anxiety, anticipation, impatience.  All the worst characteristics will basically come out in their most extreme forms.  Both about being published and just about writing in general.  One day your WIP is the most impressive shit anyone has ever seen and will bring a tear to any literary agent’s eye, the other half of the time it’s not good enough for a book burning.

Possible motor vehicle accidents and an increase in insurance policy rates.  You’re driving along, la-de-freakin-da when a great idea comes to mind and that damn never ending movie starts playing again in your head and you just can’t look away cause that shit is brilliant.  Opps, someone stopped in front of you to turn? Umm…sorry dude, this fictional person in my head that’s more important than real life was having a freaking emotional CRISIS, I had to be there for him!  You wouldn’t understand, you’re not a WRITER!!

Your real day job begins to pale in comparison.  Writing is like freaking freedom, like FUN.  How are you supposed to sit at your real job all day long without an ounce of social media, writing or marketing?  HOW?!  Bad employee reviews ensue.  Along with excuses, you are a creative type afterall, this is just another sort of fiction, am I right?  You’re turning into a bad person!!!

Reading and even movies are no longer as free as they once were.  You used to be able to SUSPEND disbelief.  Now, belief suspends you!  I don’t even know what that means but I’m wrapping this list UP!

And now, dear writer friends, your life is in shambles, about your very ears because gosh-darn-it, you just can’t quit that writing habit of yours!  You are weak!  What other ways can you think of where writing has ruined your life?  Gimme the doozies!!

Related Writerly content:  101 Easy (Hard) Ways to Become a Self-pubber

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