Angst Anarchy

A Note about Creative Crazy Me

angst artworkCopyright Victoria Sawyer, SHR LLC
Artwork created by me during my freshmen year of college.

I want to write this blog because I feel that if I had known at 18 the kinds of things I know now, I could have avoided my breakdown, or at least it could have been less severe.  I still live with this everyday.  I still create new fears all the time, but at least I can cope.  At least I can be me without medication.  I can lead a fairly decent  if somewhat restricted life.  I have my moments, trust me, but for the most part I have found a way to live with it.  It is my curse, but in many ways it is what makes me unique and different from everyone else.  It is what inspires me to be creative.  If it weren’t for this problem, then I might not write, or draw or anything.  I would be boring, average, with no problems.  I like to be the up and down me, the sometimes depressed, sometimes happy, sometimes scared person that I am naturally.  And if it takes dealing with the bad parts so that I can be creative, crazy me, than that is something I have to deal with.  And I will.  And I will write.  It’s who I am.

I think it’s important to view yourself in a positive light now and then.  To take your negative aspects, like panic attacks or depression and realize that they are part of you, for good or for bad and they shape who you are and what you do.  You wouldn’t be the same without them.  So even though I hate my panic attacks, depression and anxiety, I also am sort of grateful because they propelled me in a certain direction, they gave me the desire to express myself through writing and that can never be a bad thing.

What can you celebrate in yourself today, whether good or bad?  What has shaped you?

Comments

5 responses to “A Note about Creative Crazy Me”

  1. Dreamlife Moments Avatar
    Dreamlife Moments

    Your post could be my epitaph. Creative, Crazy, Me…. I think it will be.

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  2. emily Avatar
    emily

    I recognize the truth in what you are saying, however I still cannot bring myself to the belief that I wouldn’t have been a creative person without my illness.

    To me, depression is simply horrible—there’s no upside. I find that it puts extreme limits on the satisfaction I can get from my personal, social, and writing life.

    That being said, I am proud of myself for dealing with it—as everyone else who suffers from mental illness should be. I definitely see that as, maybe, THE major accomplishment of my life.

    But, perhaps you are right—because I definitely would not have had the balls (or perhaps even the desire) to become a writer if I’d been able to keep a normal (read: paying) job.

    Talk soon, ❤ Ems

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    1. Victoria Sawyer Avatar
      Victoria Sawyer

      Hi Em, I do agree with you. I think I originally started writing because writing was a friend to me, an ear to listen to my problems, a way to let the crowding thoughts out of my head. It was like my therapist, best friend and someone who never judged me. It was freeing and it kind of made me proud, proud to be able to express myself. I don’t know that I would have been so dogged about constantly writing if it weren’t for my panic attacks and depression. It made me have something to say and I was desperate to say it, desperate to get it out. And slowly I got better at writing and eventually I realized I had a story to tell. It sort of evolved and even though I agree that panic attacks and depression are like hell on earth, they did make me stronger in some respects, like you said…they gave me the cahones to pursue something that otherwise I might have left by the wayside years ago when I grew out of my drama filled teen years. Interesting topic, eh? Glad you commented!

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      1. emily Avatar
        emily

        Yes, indeed, great topic! I wish more people would join in on the discussion.

        I’ve been finding it weird that although quite a few people read my blog, most are reluctant to leave comments—even though I require no personal information whatsoever.

        The best thing, for me, about blogging, is these hours of the day (usually between 7–9AM and 2–3PM) where I get to read other peoples blogs and share my opinions or relate to their experiences.

        (And, obviously, I don’t have to work so I have plenty of time on my hands.)

        But I suppose discussion is what forums are for. Although, I would like to see a bit more of a community feel among depression bloggers …

        Well, let’s hope for the new year!

        Talk soon, Ems ❤

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  3. When Life Gives You Shit, You Give it Hell | Angst Avatar
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