Angst Journal Entry – Anti-Beauty Queen

Questions, insults, denial, shame
Thoughts crowding my mind
I begin to cry, messing up my face
Tears sluicing, fraught with self hatred
My every hour seems devoid of hope, devoid of you

I can see their glossy unseeing faces now
Surrounding me, engulfing me
Squeezing me, strangling me
I can’t breathe

 I have become useless, strung out
Slumped before the mirror
Critical, hysterical
Tears crashing to earth on magazine pages

 I calculate, analyze, scrutinize
Physical despair
I am not a beauty queen

 I need to know
Why you stare at the wall, while here I stand before you, naked?
Exposed, revealed,
Craving approval

 Stripped, dirty and scarred

 I want to find myself deep within you
I want you to tell me the words I long to hear
The ones so right, they make me weep

  Silence, deathly

 And around me, covering me
My whole life splayed out on the floor
A mess, dirty clothes, wrinkled papers, stains

 Am I not beautiful?

 Uncomprehending eyes are sightless
Blind, you do not see me
Swerve to avoid, retreat
Sickened, repulsed

Rejection, destruction
My reflection quivers

Livid fists smash
Glass breaks, slivers

Insecurity

I can never be just me anymore
Me is never enough

Pressure, collapse,
Comparison

The magazines, they mock me
My tears wrinkling slick pages

I will always be a face full of tears
of wracking sobs
I am my own self destruction
Tearing me apart at my emotional seams

And on my head they’ll place that crown
The anti-beauty queen

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